Thursday, January 31, 2013

Diners

I love diners, positively adore the old fashioned counter service and delight in the food that was cooked on a flat top grill and served to me as soon as it was finished. My love affair with the diner began when I was a child. My father has been working on engines since he was in middle school and became a mechanic after college. He is very experienced and talented at nursing engines back to life. When I was young he would go wrench on work trucks for his friend who owned an oil drilling company. He would bring me with him. It would be an adventure going to the shop and the oil fields to see what was going on and what needed service. Sometimes we would go as far as West Virginia but we would always stop for lunch. This being rural Appalachia all of the towns were small but each one had a diner. Generally a small storefront on the main drag in town that served pancakes and eggs in the morning, cheeseburgers for lunch and a daily special like fried chicken or chicken fried steak. Eschewing the tables and booths, we always chose counter service. Sitting on a high bar stool and seeing the grill and deep fryer behind the counter was amazing to me. Watching pink patties transformed into brown burgers and tan goo frying into golden brown pancakes was quite a sight for a young boy. Since those trips when I was young I have always loved eating at diners. Sure, the food isn't good sometimes and it isn't good for you all of the time. But the diner is America. It is the refuge of the working man and the haven for the farmer. Every rural town that's worth a shit has a diner. My hometown has the Snack Bar, New Lexington to the south has the Corner News and Glenford to the east isn't worth a shit because there is no diner there, just meth.

To the uninitiated I have some tips because diners can be daunting if you don't know what you're doing. The patrons are regulars and don't need menus. The wait staff is underpaid and overworked and can be gruff. Navigating this jungle of kitschy decor and greasy eggs is worth it for the experience; because where else can you eat eggs and grits with unlimited coffee for $5.50? No where I know of, brother.

First: THE DINER IS NOT FOR FAMILIES. Don't bring your entire brood and expect appropriate seating. They invented a diner for families: its called Bob Evans and your wife prefers to eat there anyway. Put bluntly, the diner doesn't have a table for six so get the fuck out. The diner is not solely a masculine place but it's just not big enough to seat multiple families. The tables are too small and only an asshole occupies all of the bar stools with his wife and progeny. When your wife is busy on a Saturday morning, bring the kids. Let them eat chocolate chip pancakes and drink Pepsi at 10am and then dump their sugar rushed, chocolate covered bodies on your woman when she gets home. Bring your significant other when its just the two of you and sit and drink coffee and people watch while someone else has to deal with your kids. But the equation of husband+wife+kids equals no service.

EGGS COME THREE WAYS: SCRAMBLED, OVER EASY OR SUNNY SIDE UP. You want eggs over medium? What is it, Nancy Boy, your period? The idea with this point is that you should not get fancy at the diner. What's on the menu is what goes into the dishes. No exceptions. Don't order an omelet and ask for no onions and extra spinach because that's just not going to happen. If you want plain eggs then get those. The diner has plenty of combinations that you can order that substitutions aren't necessary.

FINALLY: TIP. TIP. TIP. Look your server is busy and s/he deserves a tip. Diners are the kind of high volume/ low profit establishments that break the "15% tip" mold. The average ticket at a diner is less than $10 but it requires full counter service including drink refills. So you leaving $1.02 on a $6.98 breakfast makes you look like an asshole, ok? I can hear you, "But Cory, that's about 15%." Yeah and I'm sure you will be ok with eggs that are 20% cooked next time. Here's my rule of thumb: $3.00 tip if its less than $10 total. Over $10 can use the 20% rule. Trust me, your server will appreciate the extra dollar than you do to keep it. She earned it by keeping the coffee hot and smiling while you hemmed around looking at a menu.

My favorite diners in Columbus are Buckeye Donuts and Jack and Bennys. Its not about what they have to eat (I order almost the same thing at every diner) its that they have been around for so long and can make a profit off of eggs and orange juice. Its stable and comforting. I can walk in and get the same thing today that I could have gotten when Nixon was president. Not much changes at a diner. Buckeye Donuts is a campus place but just sit at the counter sometime. See the old Greek man in the back cutting donut dough and watch the gyro meat roll around on its vertical spit. They usually play XM Radio 70s on 7 and are quick to refill the coffee.

Jack and Bennys at High and Hudson is also busy but good. They have a Zomex juicer in the corner that produces fresh OJ from throwing oranges in the bin on top. They don't split checks and I would suggest bringing cash because their credit machine looks broken. It has a wall of OSU stuff that is worth a gander and an electric clock above the counter that drew my hung over interest for several minutes.

What to eat? Well I usually eat the same thing everytime. Called the "businessman's breakfast" at the Echo in Hyde Park, Cincinnati or the "rise and shine" at the aforementioned Bob Evans it is two eggs, hash browns, bacon and toast. I like eggs over easy, dry wheat toast and coffee and water to drink. Its enough to warm me up and make me feel like the expansive, wasteful and Imperialist American that I am. People in third world countries surviving on corn paste and goat's milk? Ha! I ate more than that just now, and its only breakfast. America: proclaiming dominance once again, one three egg omelet at a time.

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